"I don't know"...or do you?

I was interviewed yesterday by someone who's writing a book about the phrase, "I don't know." Yup, that's right...it's a book about not knowing, kinda like Seinfeld was a sitcom about nothing! The researcher/writer is an long-time, dear, totally badass friend, and her questions really made me dig deep into this territory of "not knowing."

I've personally had a love-hate relationship with not knowing for lots of years now. It's been an either-or, light or dark kind of thing. I've got deeply ingrained scripts that say stuff like, "if you don't know, then you're just stupid!" They talk all about how to know = to be valued, and if I'm not valued, I'll end up penniless and all alone, a bag lady pushing a grocery cart full of grimey clothes and a few survival-related possessions down Trade Street in Charlotte.

Now really, is that going to happen?

Hardly!

As a coach, here's what I'm learning from my fabulous clients about not knowing...

We DO know! And, there's a really blissed out, beautiful place of not knowing inside all of us, too. And, knowing and not knowing can really do an amazing dance together!

So are ya totally confused yet? Let me explain:

What we DO know: Every single one of us has what can be referred to as "gut feel," "intuition," "deep knowing," "internal radar," etc. It goes by lots of names, but each one points to our own, unique, individual, just-what's-true-for-me North on our inner compass. In our insanely fast-paced culture, we're not terribly used to slowing down enough to hear or notice what it's saying, much less then listen to what it's saying, much less trust what it's saying, much less act on what it's saying. That's the bravest place of all...hearing, listening, trusting, and then...and then...ACTING on what our deepest self knows and wants and is pointing us toward. It's the choice that sometimes seems crazy, and gets written off as "not practical" or "ridiculous." And it's always where the marrow of life resides for us, just waiting. So yep, you've got it. I've got it. Your mom has it, and your best friend, and the cashier at the grocery store you interacted with last night. As long as we have our faculties around us, and our survival needs are met, we have access to that deep knowing. And much of our angst and suffering comes from ignoring it.

One of my clients simply had to start hearing her kneejerk "I don't know" answer to most of my questions to realize how disempowering and subtle its hold was over her. That phrase alone, in its sneaky way, was muffling her ability to really tap into her inner wisdom about life, choices, direction, desire. She's on the path now, though!

What we DON'T know: And oh, the flip side of the coin! Not knowing. Adventurous not knowing...Trusting not knowing...Faith-filled not knowing...all sorts of not knowing. Lots of the Eastern religions practice non-attachment, e.g., taking action out of a deep-knowing urge, but not manipulating or being dependent on the outcome, and, in fact, completely releasing the outcome. And often we Westerners turn to our "faith in God" and "his plan" when we look ahead and just can't tell what's coming next. Sometimes we listen to our guts and leave a job or relationship, and it leaves a big, uncomfortable, sometimes scary gap. What's going to fill it? "I don't know!" Our kneejerk reaction is to vote that "I don't know" is a bad place to be, so quick quick, fill that space with another job! Any job! Just get a job! Or just find someone! Anyone! But what if, instead, we allowed ourselves to sit quietly in that space? See what's there? Become friends with it? Invite it in, and even, maybe, invite it to expand a little?

So how do these two mix? Here's one way that I see. As stated before, I believe we all have a strong internal compass. And I know we are all capable of acting on it, "following our bliss," as Joseph Campbell would urge. So, we can take the next right step. What will come after that? We don't know! And isn't that great? Because we can trust that when we get there, we can slow down, check in, and follow our instincts to the next right step after that, and the next right step after that...

What if, at the end, you could look back over life and see that you got to where you were because of countless "next right steps"? Life would be a "known adventure," all along the way!

So, dear reader...

What do you know about your life today? Your job? That relationship? Your health? Etc.?

What's the next right thing?

Are you brave enough to listen?

To hear?

To trust?

And to ACT?

I know you are!

And what's next? Who knows! And that's the best adventure of all.

Deeply Rooted

What would you find if you unpacked your life?

We're moving to a new house in about six weeks, and today I dipped my toe into the "purge and pack" process. It started in the attic...a place I haven't set foot in since Christmas. It's dirty up there, with lots of ancient, powdery insulation creating a fine, dark-brown dust on most of the boxes that have lived there since I moved into this house almost six years ago. It was also HOT! Well over 100 degrees. Sweat poured off of me after about ten minutes in the heat. I was physically purging sweat as I got to work, determined to sort through and purge the contents of those boxes.

I noticed that much of what was up there was stuff I hadn't looked at or thought about in years. I'm typically someone who's pretty cut and dried about things like, "if I haven't worn it in a year, it gets donated. No question!" So I expected to haul down loads of "trash." And yet, and yet...lots of what I found today is stuff I'm not willing to let go of. It's like I unearthed some of my historical DNA.

There are photos.
And voice recordings.
And files.
And journals.
Plans for my childhood home.
Books from my childhood life.
And lots more that I could list but that probably wouldn't mean much to anyone but me.

I know I'm going to have to defend my choices to my dear one, the man who will be moving a lot of those still-heavy boxes. I know I'll have to justify wanting to keep things that will likely go straight into the storage space in our new home. But the thing is, today I reconnected with my roots, with that historical DNA that shapes the outlines of who I am and that fills in lots of the colors of me. Sure, I've added lots to the outlines and colors through the years and have expanded outside the lines, even. But today I brushed up against my touchstone. The ghosts of me and so many loved ones were swirling and whispering, reminding me that though every day I walk into the world afresh, looking at life anew, wondering what's next, I am forever deeply rooted in a past that I could no more purge than I could purge my own bones.

So, dear reader, what might you find if you unpacked your life?

Try it. You might be surprise what's waiting.

A Dose of My Own Medicine

Well. I had a great session with my coach last week that I wanted to share.

("What?!" you ask, "Coaches have coaches, too?!" You'd better believe it! We're all works in progress, and having a coach who's been in the biz for over a decade keeps me growing and learning constantly, and keeps me in the "client seat" so I always have that perspective fresh in my mind when I'm coaching my own clients.)

Anyway, back to last week. I was all in a tither about money. Yep, the "M" word. What with a new career, fledgling business, life expenses, training/certification debt, new house payment coming, wedding to plan...aaagh! Calgon, take me away! That day, I was seriously considering telling this fabulous coach that I couldn't continue on because of money. And I was seriously considering telling two of my best friends that I couldn't go on a TOTALLY rockin' conference/cruise with them next spring because of money. And I was plaguing myself with trying to figure out how we can cut corners on our wedding because of money. And...and...and...you get the point.

Here's what my wonderful coach pointed out. I was letting my life be run by my fears around money. (And, I will point out that I wasn't taking my own medicine that day!) I was about to make some big decisions from a place of fear, versus from my values, my core, my essential self. Major no-no!

Today, instead, I sat down with my top ten values (things like honesty/integrity, personal growth/spirituality, adventure/risk taking, joy/fun/laughter, deeply connected relationships, etc.), and I asked myself, "What values am I honoring if I decide to complete my coaching with Marla?" I came up with a paltry two out of ten. Next question, "To what extent will I be honoring these two values if I complete with Marla?" Minimal. Then I asked, "If I complete with Marla, will I be moving closer to or farther from living my life in alignment with my values?" The answer: definitely farther from.

Then, I switched it up, asking, "What values am I honoring if I decide to continue my coaching with Marla?" Dingdingding! Nine out of ten! We have a winner! "To what extent?" Wow...8s, 9s and 10s across the board. And, "will I be moving closer to or farther from living my life in alignment with my values?" Well, you can guess the answer to that one.

I posed the same questions regarding the cruise and our wedding, to similar results!

Ultimately, Marla helped me clearly see that when I am trying to make decisions from a place of fear, that I'm not able to connect with who I truly am, what I truly want and need for a thriving life. Nor am I able to call upon my creativity, abundance mentality, excitement about the future, etc.

The coolest thing? Before I even finished the above exercise, ideas for expanding my business started pouring in, my excitement level skyrocketed, and I've already taken steps to act on my ideas. Energy in, energy out! :-D I LOVE THAT!

So, back to you, dear reader:

* Where are you being run by fears in your own life?

* If you chose instead to stand in the place of your highest values, how would you see your choices differently?

* How does making decisions from your values help you access your inner wisdom, your very own deep knowing about your life?

Don't let fulfillment pass you by while you're stuck in the quicksand of your fears. There's a branch being held out to you...it's called "your values," and your highest self is holding that puppy tight, ready to pull you back to terra firma! Sotake a deep breath, and reach out...